Wednesday, February 1, 2012

You Know Me

"Savior You have known me as I am. Healer You have known me as I was, as I will be. In the morning in the evening You have known me....yeah You know me." --"Known" by Audrey Assad

 My Savior knows me. I can't hide before Him. My innermost thoughts, struggles, pains, complaints, joys, triumphs, and angers He knows. That is humbling, slightly frightening, and yet so thrilling.

Yesterday was not a good day for this preggie mama for several reasons. Let's face it, I was super emotional (which didn't help), and a misspoken comment from my husband broke the happy bravado I was holding up on the outside. At that moment everything went wrong.

Kyle tried to help my stress and emotional state in the most difficult way a man can. He tried to understand. Of course, he didn't. It's a woman thing....he wanted so badly to "get" while I was crying. In his words, "Baby, you've got to explain this to me or I just think you're crying over nothing!"

I stared at him, the thought Yep, that's about right buzzing through my head.

He couldn't grasp how badly I wanted to be "un-pregnant" yesterday. Despite the throwing up, the weight gain, the exhaustion, the lack of breathing, the awkward Braxton Hicks contractions, and the difficulty in "wifey" duties I have found joy each day of this journey so far.

Yesterday, however, I struggled to find joy. I just wanted to scream TAKE THIS BELLY OFF ME SO I CAN BREATHE! TAKE THIS BABY OUT SO I CAN HOLD HIM IN MY ARMS WHILE I BREATHE! I think I just want to be un-pregnant now.....

I know--that is so selfish. I'm ashamed as I type it. I had struggled with those thoughts all day, and then the Lord reminded me how fragile my son still is, and how patient I must be for him to develop and grow for a short nine more weeks. God did this convicting through YouTube videos of babies born prematurely and how difficult their little lives are for a while as they must hurry to grow in a NICU environment.

I was stinging from the Lord's rebuke. I wanted to cry. I felt trapped inside my body. Poor Kyle--that's hard for a man to understand.

Then there's the whole "nesting" thing. I admit it, I have the nesting bug. My list of things to do includes washing blinds, windows, cabinets, and baseboards, scrubbing the stove, shelves, air vents, fans, and light fixtures. I want the yard perfect, the bushes that are dead to be cut out, the nursery finished, my birth plan decided and made, and all the ironing finished and hanging in my husband's closet.

Often I look at everything I want to do, how much energy I have, the chores of daily living like cooking, dishes, laundry, and dusting, and then realize I may not get every single thing done before Gracin gets here.

Kyle says he understands my nesting bug. But bless my precious man, he made a list for me of all the things I want to do and put them into three columns based on which is most important--trying his best to relieve my stress and overwhelmed emotions. My clean baseboards are in column "C"....and in column "C" they fell as the #3 thing of importance....just under "birth plan" and "wash diapers." As I stared at his list, I decided he must not get the whole nesting bug, because those baseboards were really on list "B" for me.

To top my evening off, my husband I had a serious discussion about how I can't look to him for affirmation. Funny how this falls into the "I'm insecure and trying to overcome it" chapter of my current life. I had a moment where I sought his approval of things I had done around the house, and bless my man, he had endured a long day and complimenting my dusting was the last thing on his mind. To me, I had done them for him. To him, I do those things for the Lord as the house is my God-given job as a wife. In the words of my wise man, "Sarah, you can't look to me for approval on everything you do--I will always let you down."

I hate it when he's so right.

And of course, because he was right and I was so darn hormonal, I bawled until.........ok until I couldn't breathe and nearly threw up. That doesn't take much to induce these seriously 10 seconds of crying makes me vomit.

"Savior You have known me as I am. Healer You have known me as I was, as I will be. In the morning in the evening You have known me....yeah You know me."

God gets it. He patiently corrects my selfishness over a desire to feel "normal" again, when I have forgotten that I am carrying the most precious gift a woman can ever possess. He knows me. I don't have to hide it, and thankfully God gets the nesting bug, the inability to breathe, the insecurity because I haven't claimed my God-given dignity, and the struggles of a woman overwhelmed.

God gets me. Just as I am....and seeking to become who He wants me to be.

So as I start a new day, my heart deep in prayer for joy and patience, I am reminded of Psalm 139:2:
You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar

I'm off to work, lunch with a friend who gets married this week, and a doctor's appointment to have a checkup on our little bundle of love.

 I'm joyful today. Are you?


Becky Dietz said...

I love that the whole man/woman thing is consumed in God. In Isaiah it says he nurses us at His breast. He knows. He gets us.

Jiff said...

Aren't hormones wonderful?! As a wife for 14 years and a mom of 2, I completely understand how you are feeling. I will also warn you that you may continue to have days like that from time to time. I remember feeling that my body was not "my own" was for the other 3 people in my family. Well, guess what. It is still not "my own" and it never was. My body was given to me by God to use on this earth as His Will commands and, during the time I had those feelings, I was using my body to nurture and care for my family, just as God wanted me to.
God and all of His gifts are amazing. For that, I am thankful AND joyful!