You Know Me

"Savior You have known me as I am. Healer You have known me as I was, as I will be. In the morning in the evening You have known me....yeah You know me." --"Known" by Audrey Assad

 My Savior knows me. I can't hide before Him. My innermost thoughts, struggles, pains, complaints, joys, triumphs, and angers He knows. That is humbling, slightly frightening, and yet so thrilling.

Yesterday was not a good day for this preggie mama for several reasons. Let's face it, I was super emotional (which didn't help), and a misspoken comment from my husband broke the happy bravado I was holding up on the outside. At that moment everything went wrong.

Kyle tried to help my stress and emotional state in the most difficult way a man can. He tried to understand. Of course, he didn't. It's a woman thing....he wanted so badly to "get" while I was crying. In his words, "Baby, you've got to explain this to me or I just think you're crying over nothing!"

I stared at him, the thought Yep, that's about right buzzing through my head.

He couldn't grasp how badly I wanted to be "un-pregnant" yesterday. Despite the throwing up, the weight gain, the exhaustion, the lack of breathing, the awkward Braxton Hicks contractions, and the difficulty in "wifey" duties I have found joy each day of this journey so far.

Yesterday, however, I struggled to find joy. I just wanted to scream TAKE THIS BELLY OFF ME SO I CAN BREATHE! TAKE THIS BABY OUT SO I CAN HOLD HIM IN MY ARMS WHILE I BREATHE! I think I just want to be un-pregnant now.....


I know--that is so selfish. I'm ashamed as I type it. I had struggled with those thoughts all day, and then the Lord reminded me how fragile my son still is, and how patient I must be for him to develop and grow for a short nine more weeks. God did this convicting through YouTube videos of babies born prematurely and how difficult their little lives are for a while as they must hurry to grow in a NICU environment.

I was stinging from the Lord's rebuke. I wanted to cry. I felt trapped inside my body. Poor Kyle--that's hard for a man to understand.

Then there's the whole "nesting" thing. I admit it, I have the nesting bug. My list of things to do includes washing blinds, windows, cabinets, and baseboards, scrubbing the stove, shelves, air vents, fans, and light fixtures. I want the yard perfect, the bushes that are dead to be cut out, the nursery finished, my birth plan decided and made, and all the ironing finished and hanging in my husband's closet.

Often I look at everything I want to do, how much energy I have, the chores of daily living like cooking, dishes, laundry, and dusting, and then realize I may not get every single thing done before Gracin gets here.

Kyle says he understands my nesting bug. But bless my precious man, he made a list for me of all the things I want to do and put them into three columns based on which is most important--trying his best to relieve my stress and overwhelmed emotions. My clean baseboards are in column "C"....and in column "C" they fell as the #3 thing of importance....just under "birth plan" and "wash diapers." As I stared at his list, I decided he must not get the whole nesting bug, because those baseboards were really on list "B" for me.

To top my evening off, my husband I had a serious discussion about how I can't look to him for affirmation. Funny how this falls into the "I'm insecure and trying to overcome it" chapter of my current life. I had a moment where I sought his approval of things I had done around the house, and bless my man, he had endured a long day and complimenting my dusting was the last thing on his mind. To me, I had done them for him. To him, I do those things for the Lord as the house is my God-given job as a wife. In the words of my wise man, "Sarah, you can't look to me for approval on everything you do--I will always let you down."

I hate it when he's so right.

And of course, because he was right and I was so darn hormonal, I bawled until.........ok until I couldn't breathe and nearly threw up. That doesn't take much to induce these days.....like seriously 10 seconds of crying makes me vomit.

"Savior You have known me as I am. Healer You have known me as I was, as I will be. In the morning in the evening You have known me....yeah You know me."

God gets it. He patiently corrects my selfishness over a desire to feel "normal" again, when I have forgotten that I am carrying the most precious gift a woman can ever possess. He knows me. I don't have to hide it, and thankfully God gets the nesting bug, the inability to breathe, the insecurity because I haven't claimed my God-given dignity, and the struggles of a woman overwhelmed.

God gets me. Just as I am....and seeking to become who He wants me to be.

So as I start a new day, my heart deep in prayer for joy and patience, I am reminded of Psalm 139:2:

You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar

I'm off to work, lunch with a friend who gets married this week, and a doctor's appointment to have a checkup on our little bundle of love.

 I'm joyful today. Are you?

So Long Insecurity

I promised a weekly book review once I got my book and got started, and here it is!

This book has gone absolutely everywhere with me. I have taken it to work every day and a new habit I have started is a long, soaking bath in the evening with my So Long Insecurity book in tow. If you have ever been a woman or pregnant you know what an irony it is to read a book on insecurity while you feel like a whale in water.

This book is amazing. If you have ever doubted whether it was worth the money, I assure you it is. After ordering mine for $8 off this site I felt a little better than purchasing it for $20 in the Christian book store. ORDER this book if you have even an inkling of insecurity in your heart.

I have made it through 162 pages and am just now arriving at the "healing" part of the book. To this point what has been discussed are the roots of insecurity. I didn't know I had so many. I literally have pages and pages highlighted or underlined intensely as I found myself on the pages.

What have I found?

Pride is a huge root of my insecurity. I would have told you I was not a person plagued by pride. I called it "perfectionism." I know--awesome way to disguise the truth. I thought that perfectionism was permissible; I was certain that my drive to be the best was legal and what made me persevere to be the "best" at my job, my classes, my marriage, my housewifery....etc. When I didn't (or don't) meet the highest expectations I placed on mysef, I fell (or fall) into major insecurity. I blamed perfectionism.

Newsflash: perfectionism is pride.

Ouch.

"Perfectionists' black-and-white thinking takes them on a roller coaster between feeling horribly inadequate and bad about themselves, and then, when things are going well, feeling proud to be so good. Low self-esteem and pride coexist in the same heart" (p. 106).

Amen. But SERIOUSLY, ouch.

The result of pride? "We end up looking in to look up instead of looking up to look in" (104).

I'm still caught on the pride I never saw in my life.

Ridding myself of pride means a lot of things in my life...
1. I have to stop trying to be the best at everything.
2. I have to stop assuming people's expectations of me and realize I am simply placing high expectations on myself.
3. I have to be the one to say, "looking at that magazine, watching that movie, looking at that person's pictures, etc....will make me more insecure. Therefore I won't read it, watch it, click on their name, or go to that place.

God is calling me to reclaim the dignity He gave me from birth. I am not to be seeking a selfish, haughty "I'm awesome" attitude, but rather to claim that God made me a dignified woman and choose to stop comparing myself and my life to the ones around me.

Kyle has been so precious to ask me about what I am learning on a daily basis. He has literally sent me to take that bath I mentioned and brought me my book. I think he likes what I am learning and likes the changes he sees that God is slowly bringing to light in my life.

So much more to learn! How do you combat insecurity in your life? Do share!

Let's Talk

Let's talk cravings. I heard women say at the beginning of this experience that they had weird cravings and gave in to these desires. I was determined not to over-gain, so I was so worried about what cravings I might meet. I have craved NOTHING weird in the past 30 weeks. Well, nothing weird for me. I have thought, "hmmmm that sounds good" a lot. I have also heard "WOW that tastes really good right now" come out of my mouth. I've heard women say that what you crave is a sign of what your body is deficient in and needing. I don't know if this is true, but I find it interesting.

What has tasted good consistently?
1. Potatoes. Yes, white potatoes. I know there are health food community leaders who would yell at me for eating potatoes, as many believe them to be bad for you. I know they have starch. I know they aren't a vegetable. But I also know that the Lord made them, they are cheap in the grocery store, they contain potassium, (bananas haven't always tasted good to me) and they are fantastic when served with ground beef and vegetables. I'm going to continue to eat them......

If my body is talking, I'm potassium deficient.

2. Oranges. I'm going nuts over oranges! I have been eating usually one a day. They haven't given me heartburn like they did prior to pregnancy (odd) and I have enjoyed eating the juicy fruit and spitting the seeds in a nearby trashcan.  I try to hide the orange smell from kids wondering why their teacher is happily eating in the back of the classroom, but I'm sure they can smell it.

If my body is talking, I'm vitamin C deficient....and all the oranges might be what helps me stay well right now.

3. PB&J. I went through a stage where this was all I could keep down in the mornings. I guess it was so hearty and "rib sticking" that I was able to sneak it in. It hasn't tasted so good to me recently, but for several weeks two pieces of Ezekiel bread with PB and naturally sweetened jelly kept me alive. (ok that's a slight exaggeration).....

If my body was talking, I guess I was craving natural fats and carbohydrates.

4. Cereal. During the first months of pregnancy, I couldn't drink milk. Any lactose made me SICK. Now, however, I crave milk. I have cereal in the mornings and usually a glass of milk at some point during the rest of the day. I still have to drink it in small sips, but I think if you took my milk away I would again miss it.

If my body is talking, I must be needing vitamin D.

5. Sleep....not a food craving, but a "mama's got to have it" necessity.

6. Cleaning my face and brushing my teeth. It's true.....I'm now in love with the way brushing my teeth and scrubbing my face feels. I don't know why, but I could scrub myself all day and be happy.

7. Running and working out. I am not running right now, mainly because right now running isn't exactly comfortable or something I like doing in public. Not just because of baby bump, but mainly because there are other bumps.....ok fine I'll just be blunt--my chest is a major thing to haul around and I don't have the perfect support to keep myself from being embarrassed or in pain during a public run. There. That's out there. I can't wait to be back on a major workout routine! Little Gracin and I have some awesome morning walks and gym visits ahead of us. :)

Things that baby does NOT like:

1. Sugar. A little goes a long way with mama right now........and I like that I haven't been able to handle much sugar. I'm hoping I'm off of sugar enough now I won't be going back to it too much after Baby arrives.

2. Pizza. It's no surprise this is a no-no for me. I'm unable to eat spicy foods without dealing with so much pain and indigestion. I still have pizza on occassion, when we are with friends or it is our Friday school lunch, but I don't eat it often if I can help it. I think I need to try making it myself and see if that helps me out.

3. Salt. I can't do super salty foods right now. The more bland the better.

4. Water. I know this sounds horrible, and NO I haven't stopped drinking water. I just can't drink it too fast or it will cause me to be dizzy and my stomach to hurt. Who knew?? So I just drink a lot of water in small amounts.


In less boring news, MY SO LONG INSECURITY BOOK CAME IN TODAY! Look for a chapter review and discussion later this week. :)

And for now, that's all I have to share!