Milk Milk Milk...MEAT!

I laid in bed this morning, little tears pooling in my eyes and my heart weighing heavy in my chest. I haven't nursed Gracin in a few days. It's official, we are a formula family. I don't like it, but I am unable to continue feeding our growing boy myself.

Physical inability to keep nursing has made the decision easier than what it would be were we choosing to dry up. I say "we" because this decision affects Kyle too. We have talked about going straight formula for a couple weeks because I worried I wasn't as productive of a "factory" as before. I couldn't make myself do it. I kept feeding him because I needed it.

Last week we had a fussy baby on our hands and I didn't know why. I had JUST nursed him. But I decided to add a bottle on top of a feeding....and suddenly our little boy was full, and yes, happy. Realization hit me hard. It was time.

We incorporated baby food at night and bottles through the day, only to find how truly voracious our son's appetite was! Seven ounce bottles and nearly an entire jar of baby food at night.....it is good to see our son full and actually sleeping through the night again.

But it is hard on Mama. I miss the closeness I felt while I nursed him. He needed me. I needed him. No one could take care of his needs like I could. There is truly nothing as precious as a mama nursing her infant child. And for the first time I cried over it this morning. My son is growing too fast.

As I laid there, I finally asked the Lord what I was to learn from this. "Do You ever feel this way about me? Like I'm growing too fast?"

And He reminded me that I am SUPPOSED to grow fast. He starts us out on milk

1Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready.

But when we are ready God wants us to grow into the "meat of the Word." If our Lord kept us on milk we would NEVER grow. He would never get to have intimate relationships with us or enjoy watching us dig into the food of His Word. 

Sigh. 

As my son grows he no longer "needs" my food provision as he did when he was first born. The bigger he becomes the different types of intimacy we will share. He will always need mama for something--kissing cuts and bruises, tying his shoes, making his dinner, washing his clothes, teaching him school, hosting his friends for loud and smelly sleep-overs, digging my nails into car doors as he learns to drive independently, listening as he gripes about college or bosses, and then stepping back from his life as he marries and starts a family of his own. He needs his mama differently in each season. 

Lord, help me see and know what he needs in each stage of growth. I understand You a little more as I watch my son grow....because I see only a small fraction of how much You love ME.