One Day at a Time

I am a natural worrier. Don't judge. 

I worry about finances, work, health, weight, friendships, dreams, time management.....I can make myself worry about a lot of things. Honestly, I have no need to worry about ANY of the things listed above. I just let myself get worked up over....nothing. 

With talk of Kyle leaving for Afghanistan in 4 months I have allowed myself fall into worry over the dangers he faces while there. The dangers are quite slim, but that doesn't stop this little wifey from laying in bed at night quaking inside over the small chance that he wouldn't come home. 

The enemy wreaks havoc on my mind because I let him. 

Then there's pregnancy and raising children in general. Lately, I have discovered blogs and stories of women who have faced unmentionable tragedies of lost pregnancies and children stolen away by death much too soon. I have read and cried inside for these mothers. I'm knocking on 28 weeks of pregnancy and I can't imagine losing our son now--or ever. Fear. Gripping, overwhelming, crippling fear. The menacing "what if" threatens to consume me. 

Then, yesterday afternoon while babysitting for a friend, God ever so gently gave me peace through some realizations I should have never forgotten. 

God is not obligated to me! He hasn't promised me 75 years with my precious husband. He hasn't promised me that I will watch all my children grow into adults. He hasn't even promised me next week! I think I have fallen into this horrible expectation of God to perform to my standards. I expect a dream home from Him someday. I expect my children to be born healthy. I expect my husband to be here in 30 years to kiss me goodnight and be my best friend. I expect happiness...when happiness is a choice, not something that is based on my circumstances. 

Even as I type the words, I feel ashamed and want to delete them all away. It would be easier not to admit that I placed God in a box. But I can't lie to myself, and I won't lie to you. I expect God to perform under some set of "rules" I have conjured up in my mind. 

God owes me nothing. I am to praise Him and enjoy the blessings of EACH DAY rather than expect things of tomorrow. If I don't get to see all my children grow, I am to praise Him for the days He gave me with them. If something happens to my husband at any point during our marriage, I am to praise Him for what He gave me--and not accuse Him of taking something He does.not.owe.me. It sounds so morbid to say! 

I'm not being morbid, please don't misread. This is how I am to look at life.......everything in my life is fleeting and I should cherish each moment. Honestly, worry melts away in my mind when I look at life this way! Moments with my husband become more precious. Kicks, bladder problems, sleepiness, and other pregnancy struggles become joys. The frustrating days at work become moments to love on others. The dog puking on the back of the couch........ok, I can't make that one "cherishable," but you get my point. 

I'm grateful that God reminded me gently of this yesterday--rather than the hard way. It is humbling to sit back and say, "wow. He owes me nothing. I owe Him everything." 

If I never live in my two-story, multi-windowed, country home......if I never see my dreams of being a talented photographer come to fruition......if I don't get to hold those most dear to me near to me until I die......if my lifetime dreams never come to be--it doesn't matter. He owes me nothing. 

Thankfulness. That is why over this next year, I am seeking to document each day by writing down something I am thankful for. That way I learn to look for and appreciate what He has given. 

May I treasure His gifts without expecting them.