Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Who Do You Want Me to Be?

I am a people pleaser, unfortunately. Kyle and I both find this trait in our personalities and it frustrates us both. Where do we draw the line between doing things to serve and please others because it's necessary--and where do we say "this is what is best for us, regardless of what people think"? It's a tough line, and one that i have struggled with finding for most of my life. I find myself inwardly asking the question, "who does that person want me to be?"

I have so many things that I dream of being. I want to be the dedicated and helpmeet wife. I want to love, serve, care for, and submit to Kyle as my husband. Granted, I can never be the perfect wife--just I can never be the perfect Christian. As a sinful human being there is no possibility of ever being "perfect." I have high ideals for myself as a wife. I have so many role models as well--those women in my family, women at church, and some of my precious married friends are such examples to watch and aspire to. Of course, I yearn to be the Proverbs 31 wife-the woman who meets all of the aspects of Godly wifehood. Kyle says he admires me because every time he reads the chapter he sees more of those qualities in my personality and life--but I know my own struggles and flaws and I know that there are many areas in which I fail to meet that standard. I can't ever be like every woman I admire--oh, Lord, who do YOU want me to be?

I cannot wait for the day that I can be a mama. Granted, I hope it is a couple years down the road, but in reality I don't know when God will grant the blessing of a child to us after we are married. I have the "idea" of the kind of parent I want to be. Kyle and I talk about it all the time--how do we want to discipline? How will we take care of their health? Will they be in music, or sports, or both? Will we do public or private or home school? How will we teach them Jesus? Yes, we are excited. I have SO many examples of good mothers. Those that nurture, teach their children about Jesus every day, dress their little girls in cute clothes, make every softball game, take pictures, have clean homes----I know, I'm getting the outside picture. But I also know that I can't ever have perfect homes with picture perfect children and lives. There are too many markers, juice spills, jelly stains, pet prints, and torn jeans to do that. God, I see the ideal of who I want to be--but who do YOU want me to be?

I love ministry. Every day I feel too inadequate to do any good in service to my Lord. I fail daily--I make so many mistakes--I have selfish moments followed by moody pouts inside my heart--the list goes on. If I thought I had good examples of women in wife and mother roles then I am BLOWN AWAY by those women who are my role models in ministry. I mean C'MON! Beth Moore, Priscilla Shirer, Kay Arthur, Vicki Courtney--those are just a few of the MANY. And if that's not enough, think of all those in my church that challenge me! I want ministries like that! I want to do speaking conferences, church events, book writing, and reach the hearts of teenage and college girls with the message that they aren't beyond the grace of God. I desire with all my heart to encourage them to be young women with passion for the Lord--using my own mistakes and shortcomings as encouragement that God can make beauty of disgrace. I have such things I want to share--but I don't feel like I write as well as Beth. I don't always speak as well as Priscilla, and I'm not always able to put my life struggles out there in a way that truly helps people. Lord, in the face of all these examples--who do YOU want me to be?

Being a blogger, I read MANY women's daily thoughts. I hear their exciting and horror stories. I see their beautiful pictures and read of their family moments. I see their nutrition goals and recipes and I know I can't afford or try to do what they do because my restraints are different than theirs. I am often intimidated because on the surface those women seem to have it all together. And perhaps many people see me the same way. But I don't have it together. I'm a woman with failings and daily struggles that frustrate and burn me. I'm not all the women I aspire to be--I'm Sarah Elizabeth. Sarahbeth to Kyle and Missy Red to my dad. I'm so far from perfect that I spend nights praising God that I will awake with new mercies. I spend more time in prayer for strength and forgiveness than I want to--and I live daily in His grace and mercy. I can't do sports, I often eat junk food just because I'm hormonal, I laugh at strange things (and things sometimes that I should hate), I don't always follow through, I procrastinate, I like to be independent, and I don't always serve God as I should. In the end, I can't be those women. I can only be me. I can't be everything my parents want, my professors want, my friends want, or even what my beloved husband-to-be wants. I can only seek out and beg that God will answer the question burning in my mind....
"Who do YOU want me to be, Lord?"

This is the prayer for this day.

In Him,

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