Thursday, April 7, 2011

Wanted: Passionate Women

God isn't looking for perfect women...He is looking for passionate women. --Priscilla Shirer

I needed this last night. I was sitting in Bible study and the words jumped off the page an into my heart. He isn't looking for perfection.

I didn't know I was a perfectionist until I started pre-marital counseling. Then it was brought to my attention that I am all about doing something right. As I took that and began analyzing my daily activities I realized how true that is.

This semester has been absolutely stressful. With 19 hours of classes and a wedding to plan I have spent much time in tears over the amount of things to do with so little time. During this stress I found that I am very expectant of myself--more specifically, I expect myself to be the best at everything I do. If it is class, I want the best grade. If it is tennis, I want the best serve and return. If it is wedding, I want to be able to do it all and not put anyone else out. I want to be superwoman. I have always been this way, I think. When I started dual credit classes in high school I began to compete for the best at every class. I wanted to be known by how good I did and how I set a standard for the entire class.

As a psychiatrist would tell me, I blame my mother for this. HA~just kidding, Mom. But Mom has always expected me to do my best and told me she was satisfied with my grade if I was. Regardless of what she said, I could always count on her to respond, "what went wrong?" if I made a "B." She knew I was capable and she wanted me to achieve my best. She knew me.....

As women we so often base our self-worth off what someone else thinks of us. Because I was homeschooled I received the "questioning eye" and "critical comments" when I shared who I was with people. So I stopped caring so much what everyone thought of me. Don't get me wrong, those that are closest to me have HUGE impact on my thought process. I care what those closeset to me think of me--but the average person, not so much. I have, instead, based my self-worth on my performance and my ability to achieve the best.

This semester has been so difficult. I cannot be the best at everything before me. In English I don't know every author, I can't pick out the themes, I can't connect huge ideas--and it is my MAJOR for crying out loud!

In Tennis.........oh my.........where do I start??? The only thing good has been that I am much improved, though my teacher always segregates me with the other three struggling players in the class. We are the last picked, the last assigned, and the "least of these" in the game of tennis. I feel better about my skill and I now LOVE LOVE LOVE to play, but I still do not succeed as the best.

In my classes I'm pulling fairly good grades--I will have A's in most of my classes hopefully. Minus...one..stupid Christian history class. I love Jesus. I love history. I hate this class. It is kicking my little tail. And what's more, I'm putting in the most time on it! I'm not the best. Kids don't read for the quizzes and make better grades than I--who reads and works so carefully. I'm up to my eyeballs in extra credit just praying to make a C. I'm not the best. There goes my ego.

In health....I'm still fighting. But no time to workout and eating on a shoestring budget with my sweetheart has made me gain a few pounds I had not planned on. I wanna be the best! I wanna be the most fit. I'm not. And I don't have time to be.

I have found my identity in everything that made me better....and it has been stripped away. God took it and then slapped me this week to remind me that HE WAS SUFFICIENT. I'm not measured in success by my classes, my athletic abilities (however few they may be), my friends, my clothing, my weight, or even my fiance. I am measured by my Savior. He is not looking for me to be perfect. He is looking for me to be passionate about Him. He sees my heart and knows the desires in it. He counts those as greater success than how many A's I get or whether I am the first in the class or not.

He wants my passion. Not my perfection.

This is hard. It's like I told Kyle last night, He has stripped away all my securities and successes. He wants to be everything.

Am I passionate? When the perfection is stripped away, does passion remain?

Oh, the days of learning are upon me...and it's not all academic.

Because He is everything,
Sarah

1 comment:

almostamcnair said...

Sarah,

Reading this I felt like I was looking at my own journal entry. I definitely needed to read this. You have blessed me immensely. One thing I'm learning through wedding planning is that I am, most definitely, not Superwoman. I need help. I can't do it on my own. Wow, I said it. I need Jesus and I need help from my loved ones if I'm ever going to make it. That realization is so freeing. There is so much I have given to the Lord, but my every day activities I feel that I HAVE to complete on my own in order to prove myself. I needed that quote today. Thank you! You are a blessing!